Quieting down myself, sitting down with god , praying and meditating. Since weekend, while I was worshiping, I heard god once again and again told me that how much he misses my worship, that heart that nothing can compare. Last night's conference, there wasn't much solid stuff that I need to digest, but some words remained in my mind that I don't quite know how to deal with.
Sore throat this morning, decided to take an 'I' day and rest, in body and in spirit. Alone in the prayer room I found my heart restless. Too much of this and that and this and that of little things that I'm mindful of. And for the past few months, I have been seeing god from a distance. Not like I'm far far away, not like I'm experiencing tough times or in my lows... But I cannot find that intimacy, the very very close relationship, the togetherness. What have I done? Nothing.
And then the words came to me again, 'delight','inside', 'no separation','living water'. What does that mean god , how can I stay inside, and what do I have to do to get back in. The answer seems to be... To do nothing. What about play some worship, read some words, do sone prayers, or make some quiet time? No no no no no, you said. Do nothing. What the heck, then how can I go back to inside... At least spending more time with you yea? No, do nothing, you said, stay in my delight. Yes, delight.
Leaving the prayer room, I'm still confused. God, do you mean you want me to blahblahblah?
No.
... aaaaalright,
sinking in.
About Me
This is not it.
There's this one God, whom I love.
There's this one God, whom I call Abba Father.
There's this one God, whom I hold onto.
Even though,
Sometimes,
I'm forgetful,
Even though,
Sometimes,
I even think it's this one God who's being forgetful,
He never forget,
never ever,
forget what he has promised me.
2 years time, He fulfilled his promise.
He led to my promised land.
Occasionally, when my forgetfulness comes,
I thought I got there by luck,
Truth reminds me that's not true.
2 people, 1 piece of news,
Assure me that,
I was thinking too much.
There's nothing called luck.
4 years over, I'm still waiting,
for the other promised day to come.
Have you forgotten, God?
Was I mistaken, God?
Faith reminds me that's not true.
This is not it.
There's this one God, whom I call Abba Father.
There's this one God, whom I hold onto.
Even though,
Sometimes,
I'm forgetful,
Even though,
Sometimes,
I even think it's this one God who's being forgetful,
He never forget,
never ever,
forget what he has promised me.
2 years time, He fulfilled his promise.
He led to my promised land.
Occasionally, when my forgetfulness comes,
I thought I got there by luck,
Truth reminds me that's not true.
2 people, 1 piece of news,
Assure me that,
I was thinking too much.
There's nothing called luck.
4 years over, I'm still waiting,
for the other promised day to come.
Have you forgotten, God?
Was I mistaken, God?
Faith reminds me that's not true.
This is not it.
The Homeless
Can they see the light? Guess not. Can't you see the people? Get low.
20101119 @ Yau Ma Tei, Hong Kong
2330 Central
It's almost midnight, dark but still a lot of people around the area.
The light spotted an old lady, knees on the ground, leaning forward with her toes supporting the weight of her body, begging for a dollar or two. The grey and whiteness of hair tells the age of her life. Something unfortunate might have happened to her, yet nobody can tell. Some people offered money to help, some offered sympathy. Some may not feel a thing, and some may even feel angry.
What I'm feeling... I do not know. What I should offer... I have no idea.
But the scene was stuck in my mind. For a long while, and till I reach home, I still can't get rid of it. The thing that have stirred my heart before, it's still there. My heart was moved, in a sense that I know something is not right. Too much darkness in this world, crying out for changes to be made.
The light spotted an old lady, knees on the ground, leaning forward with her toes supporting the weight of her body, begging for a dollar or two. The grey and whiteness of hair tells the age of her life. Something unfortunate might have happened to her, yet nobody can tell. Some people offered money to help, some offered sympathy. Some may not feel a thing, and some may even feel angry.
What I'm feeling... I do not know. What I should offer... I have no idea.
But the scene was stuck in my mind. For a long while, and till I reach home, I still can't get rid of it. The thing that have stirred my heart before, it's still there. My heart was moved, in a sense that I know something is not right. Too much darkness in this world, crying out for changes to be made.
Something unasked, yet better than asked - Job Search. Life Search
I'm gonna write a story, more than that, a testimony. It's long, but please bare with me.
March 2009
'Summer 2008, I responded to the calling of God to choose Finance as my major field of study. If you have known me good enough, you will know that I do not like working for OR about stock and money. I've had an uncle who failed in the stock market and lost both his money and his family. To me, he basically lost life.
I have always believed that the stock market is for the greedy people. However, the Bible told us that money is never a curse to us. It is supposed to be a gift from God as long as we manage it properly. Therefore, I decided to take Finance. I want to be a good servant of God who is able to turn the curse back into a blessing.
As you all know, soon after I made the decision, there it came the financial crisis. With no doubt, the finance field became the most unfavorable career. Many financial professionals were laid off.
Sometimes I’d ask God, “What is the plan that you have for me?” '
-excerpt from 'My testimony @ Sendai, Japan 09'
March 2009
I was praying beside a lake in a retreat. I thought I had much faith, but I realized that I didn't. I was so screwed. I couldn't see the plan that God has for me.
‘There's a longing in my life...
is to reach out for your heart.
What people think about me,
What is lying ahead of me,
I don't care, I'm here for you.
is to reach out for your heart.
What people think about me,
What is lying ahead of me,
I don't care, I'm here for you.
Grab me in your arms, let me feel your warmth,
Capture my heart, make it all for you,
I might be slow, I might stagger,
I might even stumble and fall,
Keep me in your way, keep me with you. '
Capture my heart, make it all for you,
I might be slow, I might stagger,
I might even stumble and fall,
Keep me in your way, keep me with you. '
- Retreat 2009 Lakeside Journal
God responded with this verse:
'The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of your God stands forever.' Isaiah 40:8
'The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of your God stands forever.' Isaiah 40:8
I ended up crying like no other.
Sept 2009
Thomson Reuters Internship Interview
'I really really want it. I want it so bad that I got super nervous and crazy. I was overwhelmed when Chastity called to arrange for an interview.
God you sure know what I desire, and I just wanna give them all to you.
God you sure know what I desire, and I just wanna give them all to you.
"But if not, you love me.
But if not, I'm with you. "
But if not, I'm with you. "
BUT IF NOT. '
And I got rejected.
October 14, 2009
‘I’d rather look into things that I like and give the rest to God, than to look into things that I can handle but don’t really like. And even if I get nothing in the end, I’ll embrace the process.’ - Facebook to Sis.
October 26, 2009
Bloomberg NY - Interview
‘I can’t do it, I can’t do it. I feel so weak and useless when I’m losing myself once again and again in front of those recruiters.
Jesus, where are you when I don’t have an answer to all those questions? Where are you when Satan tried to mock me and take hold of me? Were you here when I was weak? Were you here when I fell?
I don’t have the strength to walk on. I don’t have the wisdom required in this field. I don’t have the ambition in achieving success. I’m so not for this.’
November 3, 2009
Bloomberg NY - Rejected
‘Jesus, I’m through. I can’t take it anymore. Where am I heading to? What am I supposed to do? The “What do you want from me?” question keeps popping up in my mind. Seriously, what do you expect of me? What’s your heart for me?’
At the end of year 2009, something took my fear away. Something transformed my heart. THAT IS LOVE. On a piece of paper I wrote: 如果讓我祈求，我不敢要你的應許立刻成就， 但我祈求讓我繼續走下去的勇氣。(If I am to ask, I dare not ask You to fulfill Your promise right now, but I ask for the courage to walk on.)
Please refer to : FROM 2009 TO 2010
Please refer to : FROM 2009 TO 2010
February 7, 2010
Another Interview, Another Rejection
‘ I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasured of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.’ Isaiah 45:2-3 - Before the interview
‘God rejected by Global eProcure, yet I didn’t feel as bad this time, coz your hand is upholding me. At least... I was able to BE MYSELF in the interview. I’m happy. :) I don’t know what’s next, blanky blanky. Thank you Jesus, for I know, even so, I’m still walking in my destiny. Take my hand, and lead me on.’
March 16, 2010
Got invited to Bloomberg New York interview AGAIN. Same office, same position. It’s really rare for a company to interview the same person for the same position two times within a few months. I couldn’t help wonder and ask, God, what’s going on?
‘No matter how strong the Philistines are, all I need is your presence.’
March 18, 2010
Bloomberg NY - 1st round interview for the 2nd time
‘I didn’t ace the interview, but I did better again!’ :) I’m amazed by you LORD. All the questions hit right onto what Sadiya helped me prepare last night.’
March 26, 2010
Bloomberg NY - 2nd Rejection
‘Surprisingly, I didn’t feel as bad. I don’t understand what all these are for, but the way things were planned assured me that God does have a purpose for it to happen this way.
Hm... God, you are CREATIVE.’
June 26, 2010
Bloomberg HK - Phone interview
‘To be frank, my heart struggled. To some point I even asked God, why. Why Bloomberg again?’
I didn’t remember applying for Bloomberg Hong Kong, seriously. I guess I was too keen on getting the job while I was applying for Bloomberg NY and somehow I submitted resume to the HK office as well.
‘Lord, you know my heart. I want to stay... But guess what? Jesus, if going back is what you want me to do, I’ll surrender myself to you. For if I could go to NY but you are not with me, what’s the point of being there?’
July 15, 2010
Still no response from Bloomberg.
‘I have seen something else under the sun:
The race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the brilliant
or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all.‘ Ecclesiastes 9:11
The race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the brilliant
or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all.‘ Ecclesiastes 9:11
August 3, 2010
Bloomberg HK - Skype interview + Offer
It took almost 3 hours. It was crazzzzzzzzy. But I got the offered, right away. Looking back, for all the technical question, I wouldn't have know the answer if I haven't taken CFA. For all the situational question, I wouldn't have been quick enough to react if I haven't gone through all those bad interviews experiences. And I wouldn't have been able to skipped the intensive group interview if I weren't in the states.
Now I know, if every single step on the path was not placed by God in such a way, I wouldn’t have come to this final step.
So this, is my testimony,
for now. :) Praise to the Lord.
At the Door
Two days till the start of work, a brand new stage of my life.
Not so ready.
I'm standing at the door, peeking through the keyhole, seeing if I can get a taste of what the world's like.
I'm looking back at the path that I've traveled, gathering my past memories and trying to put it in a save, where I can take it out whenever I need it. IF I still hold the key.
The past is yet to be organized, the future is yet to be explored.
Am I ready, to step into that door?
Not so ready.
I'm standing at the door, peeking through the keyhole, seeing if I can get a taste of what the world's like.
I'm looking back at the path that I've traveled, gathering my past memories and trying to put it in a save, where I can take it out whenever I need it. IF I still hold the key.
The past is yet to be organized, the future is yet to be explored.
Am I ready, to step into that door?
She Loves God
"She loves God. This girl loves Jesus..."
She hasn't been reading the bible or praying a lot for a while. She is even feeling bad because she thinks her relationship with God won't be as close. Her love for God? Maybe weakened.
One simple statement broke all the lies that have been sitting in her mind, that have been standing in the way. When the other girl looked into her eyes and told her that God had just spoken to her how much the girl she saw loves Jesus, they both cried. One feels the heart of the other. One feels the love of God.
She hasn't been reading the bible or praying a lot for a while. She is even feeling bad because she thinks her relationship with God won't be as close. Her love for God? Maybe weakened.
One simple statement broke all the lies that have been sitting in her mind, that have been standing in the way. When the other girl looked into her eyes and told her that God had just spoken to her how much the girl she saw loves Jesus, they both cried. One feels the heart of the other. One feels the love of God.
Some see a mess, He sees the heart.
One Reminder
I'M FORGETFUL.
I lost stuffs all the time. On average, I lost my phone 3 times a day.
Sometimes, I'd put things in a particular place because I think it is the safest place. But then, I'll usually forget about where I put it and I won't be able to find it since it is kept too 'safely'.
I can't remember faces, I can't remember names.
Sometimes I doubted if I really care about people. In fact, I think I do, but I simply have a hard time storing and connecting names and faces in my brain. Maybe if I could say a little prayer in my heart for every single person I've met, I'll be able to recall their names the next time I see him/her.
I forget about little promises I've made.
This is nothing to be blamed on forgetfulness. Don't say it when you don't mean it. If you mean it, remember it. To God, to people, to myself. A thing gotta be learned, Venora!
The trick is, to not forget about a thing, I simply have to keep it before my gaze. ALWAYS.
yes, love.
Recency
I, recently, have been doing quite a bit of everything:
some reading, some writing, and some music.
Recently, I have been thinking a bit more, and a bit more, and bit by bit, more and more.
About love, about families, about friends, and of course, about myself.
Recently, I have been searching...
through hearts, through tears and laughters.
Searching for a passion, a voice, the first calling, and the first love.
Also, a way.
Recently, I'm listening. Yes, to a lot of music, and to the sounds of soundlessness.
I long to hear, the voice of truth, and see, the outpour of power.
Recently, I have been wondering, what life is all about.
I flipped through a few pages of Ecclesiastes, and found myself dwelling deeper in thoughts.
Light sparkles between the lines, in the word of God.
Right now, I want to pray, and...yea.
some reading, some writing, and some music.
Recently, I have been thinking a bit more, and a bit more, and bit by bit, more and more.
About love, about families, about friends, and of course, about myself.
Recently, I have been searching...
through hearts, through tears and laughters.
Searching for a passion, a voice, the first calling, and the first love.
Also, a way.
Recently, I'm listening. Yes, to a lot of music, and to the sounds of soundlessness.
I long to hear, the voice of truth, and see, the outpour of power.
Recently, I have been wondering, what life is all about.
I flipped through a few pages of Ecclesiastes, and found myself dwelling deeper in thoughts.
Light sparkles between the lines, in the word of God.
Right now, I want to pray, and...yea.
Miss you, people.
I wish, I had wings. I wish, I could fly. High up, WAY up, up above the clouds, up above the limits of the sky.
And then I wish, I could sing, up there, through the atmosphere, fill the earth, with the voice of love.
Also I wish, everyone could hear it, especially people whom I love, even people who may not know me.
Because, I want to be with you where you are, right now. You, and you, and you, and you.
My family, my friends, my besties, my companions...
But if, I cannot be at multiple places at the same time, and if, I cannot climb anywhere higher than the top of my bed, please, at least, let me sing, and may that voice rings in your hearts tonight.
And then I wish, I could sing, up there, through the atmosphere, fill the earth, with the voice of love.
Also I wish, everyone could hear it, especially people whom I love, even people who may not know me.
Because, I want to be with you where you are, right now. You, and you, and you, and you.
My family, my friends, my besties, my companions...
But if, I cannot be at multiple places at the same time, and if, I cannot climb anywhere higher than the top of my bed, please, at least, let me sing, and may that voice rings in your hearts tonight.
Please pass by me
I tied my shoes, made tight my fists, stretched out my legs, struggled to push myself closer to the finish line.
Full speed, full strength, whole-hearted, devoted, determined... till one point I couldn't move any forward..
Oops, S-t-u-c-k.
I looked around, tried again, harder, with more power...
Still, S-t-u-c-k.
I stood there straight, looked up to the sky, uttered, 'Yo...watssssssup.'
At the back of me someone whispered, 'Yea... stop and stand right there. Now let me do the lead. I'll walk BEFORE you.'
Please pass by me, so that I can follow.
Full speed, full strength, whole-hearted, devoted, determined... till one point I couldn't move any forward..
Oops, S-t-u-c-k.
I looked around, tried again, harder, with more power...
Still, S-t-u-c-k.
I stood there straight, looked up to the sky, uttered, 'Yo...watssssssup.'
At the back of me someone whispered, 'Yea... stop and stand right there. Now let me do the lead. I'll walk BEFORE you.'
Please pass by me, so that I can follow.
Brook Besor
400 went to fight. 200 stayed in Brook Besor.
I was the later ones.
400 came back from the battle, 200 had no share in the victory.
Reasonable enough.
But David said no.
"The share will be the same for the one who stayed with the supplies as for the one who went into battle.” (I Samuel 30:24)
Now I don't understand. WHY.
How could it be.
I took a break, you said it's okay.
I rested, you fought for me.
I was too tired to go, you went wherever I couldn't go.
I thought you were angry. You smiled and blessed my rest.
Let me not forget, the victory was a gift.
Unearned, undeserved. For the 200, and the 400.
Never take a break too long
I'm like a runner, running a race.
Though, I'm not running a good one.
Sometimes, in the middle of nowhere,
I'd take a break, drink a cup of tea, have some fun with the little things along the road...
And then, maybe, I'd forget to get back to the track.
And usually, it takes me quite a while to pick it back up.
Yet, thank you, for you've always been with me,
watching over me and be ready to cheer for me...
till I start running, again.
Though, I'm not running a good one.
Sometimes, in the middle of nowhere,
I'd take a break, drink a cup of tea, have some fun with the little things along the road...
And then, maybe, I'd forget to get back to the track.
And usually, it takes me quite a while to pick it back up.
Yet, thank you, for you've always been with me,
watching over me and be ready to cheer for me...
till I start running, again.
Setting my Mind on the Deck
After all these years... finally I found the sweetness in waiting.
It's simple, care-free, worry-free and burdenless.
I don't have to do a thing or try to grasp a hold of anything because I'm waiting.
I don't have to care about what people think because it's none of their business.
I don't have to worry about going the wrong way because there's no way I can ruin Your plan.
My burden is light and my yoke is easy because nothing is in my hand. : D
All I have to do is to sit still in Your presence, to look at you and WAIT.
Love is waiting and faith is living*
It's simple, care-free, worry-free and burdenless.
I don't have to do a thing or try to grasp a hold of anything because I'm waiting.
I don't have to care about what people think because it's none of their business.
I don't have to worry about going the wrong way because there's no way I can ruin Your plan.
My burden is light and my yoke is easy because nothing is in my hand. : D
All I have to do is to sit still in Your presence, to look at you and WAIT.
Love is waiting and faith is living*
Sweetly Broken
When pride keeps getting in my way,
I cannot resist until I break myself apart.
Broken, Emptied.
Then piece by piece You pick me up,
And bit by bit I can be rebuilt.
Humbly, Gently.
With a new heart, and a new hope.
More of you, and less of me.
Messily-Beautiful
Oh how I love tonight's worship...
The best part is when everything is messing up, seriously, everything that I could or could not think of, thousands of unexpected were jumping in my way, and when I was losing all my control, I clearly knew that God is IN CONTROL. Every time I declared to God that "I'm worshiping you no matter what," there's peace that I've never had flowing in me. How AMAZING! It might be a little bit awkward to say it this way, but I really love how it all works out, so messily-beautiful - what a word... sounds like what I am in God's eyes. And.. it might not have been so beautiful without all the messes!
We worship because what we are given is greater that what we can give... Worship is saying the 'thank you' that refused to be silenced. - Max Lucado
The best part is when everything is messing up, seriously, everything that I could or could not think of, thousands of unexpected were jumping in my way, and when I was losing all my control, I clearly knew that God is IN CONTROL. Every time I declared to God that "I'm worshiping you no matter what," there's peace that I've never had flowing in me. How AMAZING! It might be a little bit awkward to say it this way, but I really love how it all works out, so messily-beautiful - what a word... sounds like what I am in God's eyes. And.. it might not have been so beautiful without all the messes!
We worship because what we are given is greater that what we can give... Worship is saying the 'thank you' that refused to be silenced. - Max Lucado
The Don
All I want to do is to WORSHIP you.
Please always remind me that I'm nothing but the little donkey, your BELOVED donkey : )
I love you Lord.
Please always remind me that I'm nothing but the little donkey, your BELOVED donkey : )
I love you Lord.
To Walk in THREE
When I was 17, I asked God for a life partner. As I was walking and praying along the riverside, I saw two parallel roads, my partner and I on each, and God in between. He is holding each of our hands, connecting the two. On that night, I decided that I would only go for the one that He has prepared for me, and nobody else. The ONE that would hold my Daddy's hand in the way I do.
Throughout the years, some stretched out their hands to me but I was unable to give them mine. I don't know what the world thinks about this. There're definitely values that could never win me over. Some told me, "You never know if he's the one until you try." This could be right to some, but I never 'try' because I understand how that hurts. People are not apparels, it costs much more than just money to 'try' the wrong thing. How do I know when something is not right? I don't know. I simply knew it. I somehow think God has put it in my heart.
Throughout the years, some stretched out their hands to me but I was unable to give them mine. I don't know what the world thinks about this. There're definitely values that could never win me over. Some told me, "You never know if he's the one until you try." This could be right to some, but I never 'try' because I understand how that hurts. People are not apparels, it costs much more than just money to 'try' the wrong thing. How do I know when something is not right? I don't know. I simply knew it. I somehow think God has put it in my heart.I also heard people say, "It's okay to date with more than one person at a time, as long as you don't get caught." And some said, "I would marry a non-Christian as long as he 'respects' my god and allows me to go to church." I could not remember God saying anything about all these "as long as..." but I remember Him saying, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to to give good gifts to your children, how much more will you Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" -Matthew 7:11
Praise the Lord! Why would people have ever gone for the second-best when God has prepared something even better? Values of the world are distorted but the blessings from God over marriage have never been changed. It's never been easy to stay pure and wait in the Lord, but I'm glad that I've at least chosen to.