From 2009 to 2010

2009, I walked in FEAR.

The fear is called "what if I was wrong". Satan did a great job in mocking because it seemed to me that I was trying to seek God's heart before making any decisions. I needed God to show me and confirm to me that this this this is what He's prepared for me. But the fact was that I didn't have FAITH. I couldn't do anything unless I could "see" what's going to happen.

I couldn't pray for Uncle Fat's healing because I couldn't "see" that he could be healed.

I had a hard time holding onto God's promise because it seemed unlikely to be fulfilled.

I was reluctant to work on job hunting because I didn't "hear" Him tell me which way to go.

So so so so so so stupid. Fear, so deeply rooted and darkly hidden.

Not until LOVE breaks in. Not until LIGHT shines through.

2010, let me walk in FAITH.

"Be confident in what you are doing. It's okay to be wrong. Behold on your belief and STAND. Nobody knows what worship really is. The real worship is in your heart, and only God can see it. " - Pastor Laszlo

Lost to be Found

There are times that things are piling up for me to finish, but all I want to do is to pick up my guitar and sing some worship, no matter how ugly it sounds. And just now, was one of those times. My heart and mind struggled, heart won.

So, I started off with such a simple mindset, trying to make some time for God and seek Him for a little bit. But then I ended up crying uncontrollably.

For more than a year, I have not cried that bad.

To begin with, I sang some songs, I read some scriptures and said some prayers. All of a sudden, I felt an urge for repentance in my heart, for myself and for my fellowship, my family and nations. The feeling was getting so strong that I put aside my guitar, fell on my knees and started to pray. Things that happened throughout the year came to my mind. Big and little ones. I recalled times that I felt ashamed, and times that I was too fearful to boldly claim myself a follower of Christ.

As I moved into intercession for my family, I was reminded of my uncle, who passed away at the beginning of this year. I was brought back to the scene of him lying on the bed, weak and fragile. Once again I felt the fear and helplessness. I knew God had the power to heal but deep in my heart, I wasn't sure if He would heal. As a christian, I've lost the power to pray. When thought of that, tears poured out from my eyes like rain. I thought of my parents, my grandma, every single member in my family, the broken parts for which I've been praying for years. Millions of times I told myself I cannot afford to lose any more of them without knowing God. Yet the 'But what if?' feeling keeps popping up to me. For some while after the death of my uncle, I was filled with a sense of grief that I could not explain. And now, I finally understand that it was the faithlessness that had rooted in me bothered me.

Somewhere along the road I've lost some faith, even before the incident has ever happened. God has known it since long ago yet he remained silent. Not until I came face to face with Him, the spirit broke in and revealed to me His heart. For a year I have been praying without faith, together with it my joy was stolen. Today, I need to find them back.