This is not it.

There's this one God, whom I love.
There's this one God, whom I call Abba Father.
There's this one God, whom I hold onto.

Even though,
Sometimes,
I'm forgetful,

Even though,
Sometimes,
I even think it's this one God who's being forgetful,

He never forget,
never ever,
forget what he has promised me.

2 years time, He fulfilled his promise.
He led to my promised land.

Occasionally, when my forgetfulness comes,
I thought I got there by luck,
Truth reminds me that's not true.

2 people, 1 piece of news,
Assure me that,
I was thinking too much.

There's nothing called luck.

4 years over, I'm still waiting,
for the other promised day to come.
Have you forgotten, God?
Was I mistaken, God?

Faith reminds me that's not true.
This is not it.

The Homeless

Can they see the light? Guess not. Can't you see the people? Get low.

20101119 @ Yau Ma Tei, Hong Kong

2330 Central

It's almost midnight, dark but still a lot of people around the area.
The light spotted an old lady, knees on the ground, leaning forward with her toes supporting the weight of her body, begging for a dollar or two. The grey and whiteness of hair tells the age of her life. Something unfortunate might have happened to her, yet nobody can tell. Some people offered money to help, some offered sympathy. Some may not feel a thing, and some may even feel angry.

What I'm feeling... I do not know. What I should offer... I have no idea.
But the scene was stuck in my mind. For a long while, and till I reach home, I still can't get rid of it. The thing that have stirred my heart before, it's still there. My heart was moved, in a sense that I know something is not right. Too much darkness in this world, crying out for changes to be made.

Something unasked, yet better than asked - Job Search. Life Search

I'm gonna write a story, more than that, a testimony.  It's long, but please bare with me.

'Summer 2008, I responded to the calling of God to choose Finance as my major field of study. If you have known me good enough, you will know that I do not like working for OR about stock and money. I've had an uncle who failed in the stock market and lost both his money and his family. To me, he basically lost life.

I have always believed that the stock market is for the greedy people. However, the Bible told us that money is never a curse to us. It is supposed to be a gift from God as long as we manage it properly. Therefore, I decided to take Finance. I want to be a good servant of God who is able to turn the curse back into a blessing. 

As you all know, soon after I made the decision, there it came the financial crisis. With no doubt, the finance field became the most unfavorable career. Many financial professionals were laid off. 

Sometimes I’d ask God, “What is the plan that you have for me?”  ' 

-excerpt from 'My testimony @ Sendai, Japan 09'

March 2009

I was praying beside a lake in a retreat. I thought I had much faith, but I realized that I didn't. I was so screwed. I couldn't see the plan that God has for me. 

‘There's a longing in my life...
is to reach out for your heart.
What people think about me,
What is lying ahead of me,
I don't care, I'm here for you.

Grab me in your arms, let me feel your warmth,
Capture my heart, make it all for you,
I might be slow, I might stagger,
I might even stumble and fall,
Keep me in your way, keep me with you. '  

- Retreat 2009 Lakeside Journal

God responded with this verse:
'The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of your God stands forever.' Isaiah 40:8

I ended up crying like no other.

Sept 2009

Thomson Reuters Internship Interview

'I really really want it. I want it so bad that I got super nervous and crazy. I was overwhelmed when Chastity called to arrange for an interview.
God you sure know what I desire, and I just wanna give them all to you. 

"But if not, you love me.
But if not, I'm with you. "

BUT IF NOT. ' 

And I got rejected. 

October 14, 2009

‘I’d rather look into things that I like and give the rest to God, than to look into things that I can handle but don’t really like. And even if I get nothing in the end, I’ll embrace the process.’ - Facebook to Sis.

October 26, 2009

Bloomberg NY - Interview

‘I can’t do it, I can’t do it. I feel so weak and useless when I’m losing myself once again and again in front of those recruiters. 

Jesus, where are you when I don’t have an answer to all those questions? Where are you when Satan tried to mock me and take hold of me?  Were you here when I was weak? Were you here when I fell?

I don’t have the strength to walk on. I don’t have the wisdom required in this field. I don’t have the ambition in achieving success. I’m so not for this.’

November 3, 2009

Bloomberg NY - Rejected

‘Jesus, I’m through. I can’t take it anymore. Where am I heading to? What am I supposed to do? The “What do you want from me?” question keeps popping up in my mind. Seriously, what do you expect of me? What’s your heart for me?’

At the end of year 2009, something took my fear away. Something transformed my heart. THAT IS LOVE. On a piece of paper I wrote: 如果讓我祈求，我不敢要你的應許立刻成就， 但我祈求讓我繼續走下去的勇氣。(If I am to ask, I dare not ask You to fulfill Your promise right now, but I ask for the courage to walk on.) 
Please refer to : FROM 2009 TO 2010 

February 7, 2010

Another Interview, Another Rejection

‘ I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasured of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.’ Isaiah 45:2-3    - Before the interview

‘God rejected by Global eProcure, yet I didn’t feel as bad this time, coz your hand is upholding me. At least... I was able to BE MYSELF in the interview. I’m happy. :) I don’t know what’s next, blanky blanky. Thank you Jesus, for I know, even so, I’m still walking in my destiny. Take my hand, and lead me on.’

March 16, 2010

Got invited to Bloomberg New York interview AGAIN. Same office, same position. It’s really rare for a company to interview the same person for the same position two times within a few months. I couldn’t help wonder and ask, God, what’s going on?

‘No matter how strong the Philistines are, all I need is your presence.’ 

March 18, 2010

Bloomberg NY - 1st round interview for the 2nd time

‘I didn’t ace the interview, but I did better again!’ :) I’m amazed by you LORD. All the questions hit right onto what Sadiya helped me prepare last night.’ 

March 26, 2010

Bloomberg NY - 2nd Rejection

‘Surprisingly, I didn’t feel as bad. I don’t understand what all these are for, but the way things were planned assured me that God does have a purpose for it to happen this way. 

Hm... God, you are CREATIVE.’ 

June 26, 2010

Bloomberg HK - Phone interview

‘To be frank, my heart struggled. To some point I even asked God, why. Why Bloomberg again?’ 

I didn’t remember applying for Bloomberg Hong Kong, seriously. I guess I was too keen on getting the job while I was applying for Bloomberg NY and somehow I submitted resume to the HK office as well. 

‘Lord, you know my heart. I want to stay... But guess what? Jesus, if going back is what you want me to do, I’ll surrender myself to you. For if I could go to NY but you are not with me, what’s the point of being there?’ 

July 15, 2010

Still no response from Bloomberg. 

‘I have seen something else under the sun:
       The race is not to the swift
       or the battle to the strong,
       nor does food come to the wise
       or wealth to the brilliant
       or favor to the learned;
       but time and chance happen to them all.‘  Ecclesiastes 9:11

August 3, 2010

Bloomberg HK - Skype interview + Offer

It took almost 3 hours. It was crazzzzzzzzy. But I got the offered, right away. Looking back, for all the technical question, I wouldn't have know the answer if I haven't taken CFA. For all the situational question, I wouldn't have been quick enough to react if I haven't gone through all those bad interviews experiences. And I wouldn't have been able to skipped the intensive group interview if I weren't in the states. 

Now I know, if every single step on the path was not placed by God in such a way, I wouldn’t have come to this final step. 

So this, is my testimony, 

for now. :)  Praise to the Lord. 

At the Door

Two days till the start of work, a brand new stage of my life.
Not so ready.

I'm standing at the door, peeking through the keyhole, seeing if I can get a taste of what the world's like.
I'm looking back at the path that I've traveled, gathering my past memories and trying to put it in a save, where I can take it out whenever I need it. IF I still hold the key.

The past is yet to be organized, the future is yet to be explored.
Am I ready, to step into that door?

She Loves God

"She loves God. This girl loves Jesus..."

She hasn't been reading the bible or praying a lot for a while. She is even feeling bad because she thinks her relationship with God won't be as close. Her love for God? Maybe weakened.

One simple statement broke all the lies that have been sitting in her mind, that have been standing in the way. When the other girl looked into her eyes and told her that God had just spoken to her how much the girl she saw loves Jesus, they both cried. One feels the heart of the other. One feels the love of God.

Some see a mess, He sees the heart.

One Reminder

I'M FORGETFUL.

I lost stuffs all the time. On average, I lost my phone 3 times a day. 

Sometimes, I'd put things in a particular place because I think it is the safest place. But then, I'll usually forget about where I put it and I won't be able to find it since it is kept too 'safely'. 

I can't remember faces, I can't remember names. 

Sometimes I doubted if I really care about people. In fact, I think I do, but I simply have a hard time storing and connecting names and faces in my brain. Maybe if I could say a little prayer in my heart for every single person I've met, I'll be able to recall their names the next time I see him/her. 

I forget about little promises I've made. 

This is nothing to be blamed on forgetfulness. Don't say it when you don't mean it. If you mean it, remember it. To God, to people, to myself. A thing gotta be learned, Venora! 

The trick is, to not forget about a thing, I simply have to keep it before my gaze. ALWAYS. 

yes, love.